


Sunken Stone

by luciferrising_inthetardis



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Abuse, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Blood, Canon Universe, Child Abuse, Dysfunctional Family, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Marauders Fest 2020, Mild Blood, POV Sirius Black, Post-Sirius Black's Prank on Severus Snape, sirius doesn't run away
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-11
Updated: 2021-02-11
Packaged: 2021-03-14 00:21:35
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,033
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28912251
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/luciferrising_inthetardis/pseuds/luciferrising_inthetardis
Summary: In which Sirius doesn't run away from home
Relationships: Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Comments: 5
Kudos: 26
Collections: Marauders Fest 2020





	Sunken Stone

**Author's Note:**

> Prompt: "All I ever wanted from you was to know that I was wanted by you. That would have changed everything"

Sirius stared across the vast expanse of the Great Lake, the surface of its still water like a mirror, reflecting the pained look on his face. He bent down to pick up one of the stones that sat at his feet, winding his arm around and skipping it across the smooth surface. Sirius watched with satisfaction as the ripples distorted his image.

As he bent down to pick up another stone he heard the soft crunch of shoes on gravel coming from just behind him. The dark-haired boy held his breath as if that act alone could make him invisible to whichever of his friends was currently approaching. He should’ve snagged James’ invisibility cloak before he left the dorm.

“Sirius,” a familiar voice began, the sound of footsteps closing in.

Sirius’ breath caught in his throat. He had expected James, or maybe even Peter, but he certainly hadn’t expected this. He schooled his features into an expression of neutrality bordering apathy before turning to face Remus.

“You didn’t sit with us on the train,” Remus continued, when it became clear Sirius wasn’t going to speak, “Is everything alright?”

Sirius nodded as he turned back towards the lake, launching another rock across the surface. He couldn’t understand why Remus still cared, especially after everything he had done.

The sandy-haired boy came towards the edge of the lake. Sirius could feel Remus’ eyes on him, searching, analyzing. “Did something happen?” he whispered, his voice almost inaudible. The concern in his tone was palpable and it only served to make Sirius feel even more guilty.

“You don’t have to do this, you know,” Sirius said in forced boredom as he bent to pick up another stone.

“Do what?”

“Care.” Sirius turned the stone over in his hands, examining a chip on one side where a small piece must have broken off. “It’s really not worth the burden.” He threw the stone as hard as he could, hoping Remus hadn’t caught sight of the rogue tear that had nearly escaped.

Remus lunged forward, grabbing hold of the taller boy’s wrist. “Why would you say that?”

“Oh come on Re,” Sirius started, raising his voice combatively, “you know better than anyone how true it is. After everything that’s happened, everything I’ve done, can you really stand there and tell me that it was worth it? The price of caring?” Sirius pulled his arm out of Remus’ grasp and began to walk away.

“I won’t stop,” Remus called after him defiantly.

“You should.” Sirius turned and locked eyes with Remus. Lacing his voice with as much venom as he could muster he said, “I don’t want your compassion, and I certainly don’t want your friendship.”

Remus broke eye contact then, looking down at his feet as he shuffled them awkwardly. He hadn’t been quite quick enough to prevent Sirius from seeing a flash of genuine hurt in his eyes.

The next few moments passed in awkward silence before Remus finally asked, his voice gruff, “why are you trying so hard to push me away?” There was no judgment there, no anger even, only concern and perhaps even a bit of affection.

“Look Re,” Sirius started, running a hand through his hair as he spoke, “I’m not a good person, alright? You don’t want me in your life, not really, you only think you do because you’re so insistent on seeing the good in people. The good in me. But there is no good in me, Remus, so you should just walk away.”

“I can’t do that.”

“And why not?” Sirius asked, trying to hide his frustration. Since when was it so hard to push people away?

“I don’t want to. In fact, I’ve never wanted anything less. I want you in my life, Sirius. I need it. You mean everything to me.” Remus looked up to meet Sirius’ eyes. They held each other’s gaze as tears began to roll down Sirius’ cheeks. They stayed like that for a moment before Sirius turned back towards the lake, closing his eyes as a memory began to play in his mind.

_ His mother screams at him, the same taunts she’s always used, and yet, somehow they seem to be more true than they’ve ever been. “No one wants you, Sirius. You’re useless, pathetic.” _

_ His blood is beginning to stain the floor beneath him. Shards of broken glass shred his knees where they hit the ground. Sirius looks up, his jaw set and his eyes narrowed in a quiet act of defiance. “I may not be wanted by you, mother, but I am wanted,” he said, his eyes meeting Regulus’ for the briefest of moments. _

_ He expects Walburga to get angry (well, angrier) but she just smiles menacingly. “Regulus? Don’t make me laugh. He doesn’t want you, he just pities you. He doesn’t see you as a brother, just a sad little creature in need of saving.” _

_ She raises her wand again, this time leveling it at Regulus instead. “Now, are you finally going to be an obedient son? Or will you make your brother pay the price of your sins?” _

Sirius looked down at his arm. He could still feel the sting of The Mark, though he couldn’t see it through his robes. Was it always going to end up like this? He looked up towards the sky as a final tear ran down his face.

“Sirius?” Remus asked. Sirius jumped slightly, having forgotten that Remus was still standing there, watching him cry.

“Sirius, what’s wrong?”

“It’s nothing Re, go back to the feast,” Sirius said, “I’ll be in soon, just give me a minute.”.

Remus looked skeptical, eyebrows still scrunched together in worry, but eventually, he turned and walked back towards the castle.

Sirius watched him walk away. Once Remus was out of sight, he bent down to pick up another stone. He didn’t throw it, just turned it over in his hand again and again. He could never say it to Remus, but he had to get the words out. With a heavy sigh, he whispered to the night air, “All I ever wanted from you was to know that I was wanted by you. That could have changed everything.”

**Author's Note:**

> Shout Out to the wonderful mods for hosting this fest!  
> Finding the motivation to write this fic was so difficult, but I really am glad I managed to finish it, and I hope you all enjoy


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